Long Story Short: A Collection of Random Oneshots
by Princess Candy-Lollypop-Star
Summary: First is "Why Bella Hates Sewing": Basically, Edward & Bella along with Japser & Alice take a sewing class; very funny! Eventually, more short stories will be added
1. Why Bella Hates Sewing

**A/N: Me and my friend Nicole were in home-ec class we were thinking about what the Cullens would be like in a sewing class...read and review! You know you want to!**

**Bella's POV**

"Edward!" I complained. "I hate sewing; Do you forget that I am a danger magnet? Adding needles to the equation will only make me more danger prone!" Edward had signed me, Alice, Jasper and himself up for sewing classes.

"Oh come on. I'm sure it won't be that bad; People say it's fun." he held my hand and smiled that crooked smile that always makes me agree to anything. Anything at all. Even deathly sewing classes.

"Fine. But remember, if I die because of this class...I expect to be changed right on the spot." I said in mock anger. He shook his head and mumbled something that HUMANS couldn't possibley hear.

"Bella, it will be so much fun! Maybe I can make you some clothes that are more..." Alice paused to think for a word; I stopped her before she get crazy.

"Watch it! I dress fine." I said stepping faster. But I walked too fast...we were already in the classroom! 'Just one hour! Just one hour!' I thought as we grabbed out needles and cloth.

And what a long hour it would be!

--

"Ouch! Ouch! OUCH!" It had already been half an hour and even I was done with my running stitch: The easiet of all sewing and Edward was still threading the needle! It was funny to watch as he poked his finger again. And again. And again.

"Edward! You can't even feel it against _your_ skin." I pointed out after 5 minutes of Ows and ouches.

"I know, but it's just so FRUSTRATING! The thread is so thin! It is impossible to get in that little needle's hole!" he said exasperatedly.

"Not really...look at Alice!" I said. In the 30 minutes we had learned to sew, the teacher was so impressed with Alice that she let Alice make clothes! So far, I had new blouses, pajama pants and skirt. Wow.

"I know. It is so fun!" Alice said holding up another shirt. "Bella, I never expect you to say you have nothing to wear." I sighed in defeat; Alice's clothes were pretty amazing...like she bought them or something. I would wear them without complaining.

"Well then, Jasper and I must be retarted." Edward said putting the needle down. "I give up. What about you, Jasper?"

"Uh...I'm done. It's not that hard dude. _Your_ retarted." Jasper said laughing. And every joined in...except Edward.

"Okay, Edward. I'll do it for you." I said in defeat. But he just looked so pathetic! So I reached for the needle and thread and began threading it...but of course like I told Edward, I was a dnager magnet.

"EDWARD! RUN AWAY!" I gasped as I pricked my finger with the needle. It began to bleed, not alot, but enough to put a vampire in a feeding frenzy!

"JASPER! ALICE!" he called to them as they ran out the door and everyone just stared.

"Blood...makes them nauseous." I lied. "Really. Really, really nauseous." I shurgged embaressed.

"I have a band aid..." the teacher trailed off, unsure of what she had just seen. I took it with an apologetic smile and when I was sure all evidence of blood was gone, I called them back in.

"And this..." I said as we sat back down "Is why I hate sewing." I laughed and we all joined in, laughing at this joke that only the four of us would ever get.

People probably just thought we were crazy!

**A/N: Read and review. You know this was hilarious! I'm not going to say it's complete though...I might add other random oneshots so add it to your alert list or whatever. (That's why the title is what it is)**

**AND READ MY OTHER STORIES!**


	2. THIS IS WHY WE KNOCK!

**A/N: I just thought of this one; read and review**

**Bella's POV**

I was just minding my own business, taking a shower like I always do before Edward comes over. He told me he'd be late, so when I was done in the shower, I decided I could dress in my own room for a change; He wouldn't be in there, right?

So I went in my room and pulled down the blind on the window, just in case. My towel was off and the radio I rarely used was on z100. They were playing "Barbie Girl" by Aqua and I just couldn't help myself; No one was there but me so I closed the door and...I turned it up and started singing and dancing. Without clothes on! BIG MISTAKE!

**Jasper's POV**

I was going to Bella's house to tell her that Edward was busy at the hospital with Carlisle so he couldn't come over. The door was open, so I assumed it was okay to come in. "Bella!" I called. But I guess she couldn't hear me. So, I went upstairs to her room. The door was shut. I didn't even think about knocking and I opened it...

WHAT THE HELL! Was all I could think when I saw...BELLA WITH NOT CLOTHES ON WHAT SO EVER DANCING AROUND HER ROOM TO BARBIE GIRL! I was so shocked I couldn't even speak! I just blinked rapidly at the door way. It. Was. FREAKIN' SCARY!

**Bella's POV**

The song was over so stopped at looked around my room. Then. I realized that the door was open this whole time! AND JASPER WAS WATCHING ME!?

"JASPER! AHHHHH!" I was screaming my head off now and I grabbed my towel and wrapped it securly around myself. I must have scared him, because...

"BELLA! I AM SO SORRY! I-OH GOD!" We were both screaming our heads off and stuck in this awkward position and I was kinda freaked out.

"Why are you here?! And why are you watching me in my room? You could knock!" I said shocked at him. I didn't think Jasper was that kind of person at all!

"Uhh... Edward wanted me to tell you he can't come tonight! I'm sorry!" He had his back turned to be now, so I could tell it was an accident.

"It's okay...just, knock next time." I said laughing uneasily.

"Yeah. I will."

**A/N: NEW ONESHOT UP SOON! (I hope)**


	3. Ciao Bella

**A/N: I know I haven't update in like FOREVER but I couldn't think of something funny. Now I did!! Enjoy...**

**Bella's POV**

"ALICE! MY-FEET-ARE KILLING-ME!!" I whined as Alice pulled me into another store. We had been in this mall for hours! I didn't know how many time one could go into a single store 5 times to find the same thing that had been there the first time.

"Bella!! Come on, there are free samples of perfume in here! Don't you want to smell suductive for edward?" Alice asked pushing me inside a Macy's.

"Alice, I smell the same to Edward all the time. He only smells my blood! Why confuse him with purfume?" I asked exasperated.

"Shut up Bella! Oh...that one's italian..." I groaned as he towed me towards a italian perfume area. I had my eyes closed pouting. When I opened my eyes...

"Oooh...I want italian perfume!" I sighed happily running to the booth. I really could care less about the perfume...it was the hot italian guy standing there I wanted.

"Ciao Bella," he said in a sexy italian accent. I almost melted; My grin gew wide as I looked him up and down. He was tall, tanned perfectly with dark hair and full red lips. He was how the italians say...DELICIOUSO!! wAIT...is that spanish?! Oh whatever!! Hot guy!!

I giggled, almost hysterically. "That's my name! How did you know my name?"

"Bella, I thought your feet hurt!" Alice called behind me. But her jaw dropped when she saw who I was talking to. "Oh...Hello, there!" Alice said standing next to me.

"Ciao." He waved.

"Alice, he knows my name!" I giggled.

"What?" Alice asked, still looking at hot italian guy.

"He said ciao Bella...that's my name." I giggled.

"Oh...Bella, that means...something in italian..." Alice trailed off.

"Beautiful. Bella means beautiful. Your names suits you..." I sighed happily, biting my lip to hide my wide smile.

"Aww...thank you" Alice and I looked at eachother and giggled almost bouncing with excitement. He was so hot, he could have been a vampire, except he was way to tanned...golden brown.

For the rest of the afternoon, we stayed with hot italian guy, whose name is Paulo. HOW ADORABLE!! He gave us free samples of perfume, which we ended up buying gallons of by the end of the day. He even winked at me a few times!! He's so dreamy...

**Edward's POV**

Alice and Bella were taking the longest time at the mall; I missed Bella, and I hated when Alice stole her from me! I was bored, lonely and sad. I reached for my phone to call Alice.

It didn't ring long, and Alice picked up, sounding annoyed. "WHAT?" she hissed.

"um...I was just wondering when you guys were coming back?" I asked caught off guard from her anger.

"When we feel like it!" And she hung up. I stared at the fone, shocked. Something must have been wrong. I got up off my couch and went downstairs, grabbing my keys.

"Where are you off to Eddie-poo?" I looked at Emmett, confused. I read his mind to see what was up. I SAW THINGS I DID NOT WANT TO!! Who knew Rosalie was so flexible? ME!! AND I DID NOT WANT TO KNOW!! No wonder Emmett was so happy...

"Shut up Emmett." He was so annoying. It's like the little brother I never wanted. "I'm going to find Bella. I'm lonely."

"Little bit co-dependent there, Edward?"

"I AM NOT!" I slammed the door and went to my car. I drove to the mall, trying not to think about Emmett pervert ways and was there in no time at all. I searched for Alice's mind through the mall, trying to find out where she was.

_Look at him...so tan and italian...hmm...I wonder if jasper would dye his hair and get a tan...can vampires even get tan? Well, japser should...maybe even get an italian accent...that would be hot. What perfume is he even selling? I don't know and I don't care!_

That. Was. Odd. But at least I knew where they were. They must be in Macy's, perfume department. But why the hell would she want Jasper to get a tan...? and an italian accent? Oh my god! She was flirting! But she was married...but maybe not...should Jasper know? Well, I'd see for myself first. But one thing I knew for sure, Bella would never betray me like that.

HOLY CRAP!! What was Bella doing?!

**Bella's POV**

Now, Paulo the delicious was showing me his well-toned muscles. Flexing over and over...I don't know why, but that just made me thing, WOW! His hair is nap-able...It was so true!!

"Wow, Paulo. Do you work out? They're so..." I stopped, my mouth wide opened. "CRAP!" I whimpered. Edward was heading right towards us, looking angry.

"BELLA?!" Edward roared. Alice was snapped out of her fantasy-world and turned her head, looking just as scared as me.

"Edward...this is Paulo..." I squeaked.

"Ciao," Paulo looked Edward up and down.

"Ciao. Bella! What are you doing?" Edward asked

"Buying perfume...?" I whimpered innoccently.

"And?"

"Talking to Paulo the delicious..." I sighed.

"Stop talking to my girlfriend!" Edward hissed at Paulo. But Paulo looked...strangly turned on.

"I'm just doing my job...selling perfume..." Paulo answered

"Don't you try that on me, pretty boy! Come on Bella, we're leaving..." edward turned to leave and I reluctantly followed. Alice pouted and waved bye before leaving.

"Ciao, Bella!" Paulo called. I bit my lip, hoping Edward didn't hear. But he did...

"Stop talking to my girlfriend!!" Edward said through his teeth.

"I wasn't. I was talking to you, gorgeous." I turned towards Paulo, astonished.

"WHAT?" Alice screamed. We both watched in horror as we realized the truth; He was gay!

"Oh..." Edward said, looking as shocked as we were. "Bella...we should..." Edward said awkwardly

"Yes, why don't we..." Edward and I left, pulling Alice along because she was too shocked to move.

"He's-but I-why is every good looking man gay?" Alice stuttered once we were in the care.

"Alice, we should have seen the signs. No man can be that tan and delicious and be that muscular. It's impossible. We should have known...I feel really sad now. Edward, would you get a tan for me?" I asked eagerly. Edward slowly turned his head towards my direction, anger clear in his eyes.

"Bella. I. Will. Not. Get. A. Tan. We can't get tan; We are naturally pale!" Edward seemed really freaked out.

"Eddie...you seem a little tense?" I asked.

"I just got hit on by a man who I thought was hitting on you. It was a little bit awkward..." Edward laughed without humor.

"When you think about it, it's a little funny..." I said giggling. "I mean...come on. You got hit on by Paulo the delicious." I started laughing hysterically, then later joined by Alice and eventually Edward.

"Ha. That _is_ funny." Edward stopped laughing instantly, and had a serious look on his face. "We-will-never-speak-of-this-again."

**A/N: LOL please review and try my other stories, should you feel the urge.**


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